A pall of gloom descended over 'Khufiya Adda', the secret Headquarters of The Mumbai Mafia (TMM) , minutes after the Mumbai Police announced its latest crime related figures. The Maharashtra Police, after years of dilligent practice and sheer hardwork, finally managed to pip the Mumbai Underworld in the race to commit more crimes. Speaking at a press conference from 'Khufiya Adda', which is barely a kilometre from the Mumbai Police Headquarters, TMM spokesperson Chetan Chikna expressed deep anguish over the result. He alleged that the Mumbai Police had fudged figures and emerged first. He appealed to the government to set up an Independent commission to conduct this survey in order to restore TMMs hitherto untarnished image as the undisputed India No 1 in crime. "Saala apun ne woh dedh-dimaag Vilas ko bolela hai inquiry chalu karneko, nahito uske bangle mainch jaakar usko kharcha-paani denga", said he (for translation of preceding text, go here ). However experts like film director Mahesh Bhatt and music director turned public nuisance Himesh Reshammiya were quick to point out that this allegation of fudging figures would only help add to the glorious tally achieved by the Maharashtra Police.
The Commissioner Of Police - his heart swelling with pride, addressed a press conference in the afternoon today and expressed deep satisfaction over the job accomplished by his men. Addressing jobless media persons he said, "We have been striving for this for a few years now. Each year we have been successful in adding to our earlier tally. However for the last few years it has been a case of Sonia...oops..So near yet so far as far as the race for the Numero Uno position is concerned. However, this year, renewed enthusiasm, sound planning and effective implementation have propelled us to the pinnacle of crime". Analysing the tally reached by 'his Men', the Commissioner pointed out a marked improvement in performance by 'his Men' in crimes like rape, hafta vasooli (hitherto the chief source of revenue for TMM, now the exclusive right of the Police force), bribery, blackmail, taking undue advantage of the uniform and other such religious activities for the betterment of society and complete eradication of evil. The 'Other Crimes' section of this survey, a grey area until a few years back for the Maharashtra Police, showed the best results in terms of percentage improvement. It includes such mind boggling Police performances as the beating up of miserable, admission greedy and dangerously unarmed Medicos posing a serious threat to the law and order situation in the state, while the Shiv Sainiks were routlinely allowed to carry out their usual Humanitarian work.
We asked overjoyed people on the streets for their opinion and found that most people felt extremely secure with their security in the hands of such able law keepers. One citizen, Mr Johnny B Good expressed surprise on why the Abdul Karim Telgi Stamp Scandal was called by that name, because there were more Police Officers involved in abetting the said crime. He suggested that it be called the High-level Maharashtra Police Stamp Scandal with some credit to be given to Telgi, though in the form of an inconspicuous footnote only.
Meanwhile, it is learnt the TMM have approached former US presidential candidate Al Gore with a plea to help them demand a recount.
Disclaimer: I havent bothered to verify any crime related statistics. Besides, I havent quoted any figures either. This article is totally based on the growing feeling of disillusionment that one is bound to have after reading about the number of times, in the recent past , that police personnel have found themselves on the wrong side of the law and we have been mere spectators. Although there have been acts of bravado by the Police force, for example, the terrorist attack on the RSS headquarters that was foiled by alert personnel belonging to the Nagpur Police, it is safe to say that the Common Man feels seething discontent towards the Lawkeepers of this country.
The Commissioner Of Police - his heart swelling with pride, addressed a press conference in the afternoon today and expressed deep satisfaction over the job accomplished by his men. Addressing jobless media persons he said, "We have been striving for this for a few years now. Each year we have been successful in adding to our earlier tally. However for the last few years it has been a case of Sonia...oops..So near yet so far as far as the race for the Numero Uno position is concerned. However, this year, renewed enthusiasm, sound planning and effective implementation have propelled us to the pinnacle of crime". Analysing the tally reached by 'his Men', the Commissioner pointed out a marked improvement in performance by 'his Men' in crimes like rape, hafta vasooli (hitherto the chief source of revenue for TMM, now the exclusive right of the Police force), bribery, blackmail, taking undue advantage of the uniform and other such religious activities for the betterment of society and complete eradication of evil. The 'Other Crimes' section of this survey, a grey area until a few years back for the Maharashtra Police, showed the best results in terms of percentage improvement. It includes such mind boggling Police performances as the beating up of miserable, admission greedy and dangerously unarmed Medicos posing a serious threat to the law and order situation in the state, while the Shiv Sainiks were routlinely allowed to carry out their usual Humanitarian work.
We asked overjoyed people on the streets for their opinion and found that most people felt extremely secure with their security in the hands of such able law keepers. One citizen, Mr Johnny B Good expressed surprise on why the Abdul Karim Telgi Stamp Scandal was called by that name, because there were more Police Officers involved in abetting the said crime. He suggested that it be called the High-level Maharashtra Police Stamp Scandal with some credit to be given to Telgi, though in the form of an inconspicuous footnote only.
Meanwhile, it is learnt the TMM have approached former US presidential candidate Al Gore with a plea to help them demand a recount.
Disclaimer: I havent bothered to verify any crime related statistics. Besides, I havent quoted any figures either. This article is totally based on the growing feeling of disillusionment that one is bound to have after reading about the number of times, in the recent past , that police personnel have found themselves on the wrong side of the law and we have been mere spectators. Although there have been acts of bravado by the Police force, for example, the terrorist attack on the RSS headquarters that was foiled by alert personnel belonging to the Nagpur Police, it is safe to say that the Common Man feels seething discontent towards the Lawkeepers of this country.
Comments
My favourite was the disclaimer...cool idea, make it your TM!